March
2004
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what happened to Carl and Kathy’s marriage
after miscarriage?
how this couple overcame a difficult time
Nancy Schertzing | Photography by James Luning
 Married
right out of college in 1990, Carl and Kathy knew they had each
found the love of their life. Carl describes Kathy as “the
most loving person I’ve ever met.” When they talked, they
connected on a soulful level and they shared a vision of a wonderful
life together.
As expected, in 1992, that life took them away from Kathy’s
hometown of Houghton, Mich., when she earned her Bachelor of Science
degree and Carl completed his Master of Engineering degree at Michigan
Tech University. Carl accepted a job with General Motors, and the
couple moved to Howell.
Carl started work right away and Kathy found herself alone most
days in a foreign environment searching for a job. Everyday
elements of “downstate” living became major adjustments
for this young woman raised in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula (UP).
Expressway driving was new to Kathy who was accustomed to UP highways
and back roads. Though record snowfalls were common in her life
to that point, Kathy found ice storms terrifying. Perhaps most frightening
was the daily barrage of bad news from the Detroit media. It wore
her down as she sat waiting for potential employers to call.
For six months Kathy searched for a job and tried to adjust to
her new environment. By the time she accepted a position at
the Howell Library, she felt as if she was constantly under a heavy
weight. Though she had completed the transition from small-town
girl to professional woman, Kathy still doubted whether she could
handle living in this new environment. She knew something wasn’t
right in her life, but she didn’t know what it was. She attended
Mass and prayed that God would grant her peace, but never felt as
if God answered her prayers.
Time passed. Carl accepted a position in the Lansing area, so he
and Kathy built a lovely new house in DeWitt and continued on in
their new life. Carl settled into a productive career with General
Motors. Kathy earned a master’s in library science degree from
the University of Michigan. From the outside, life appeared just
as they had planned.
But inside the house, reality didn’t match the idyllic image.
Carl had recently turned 30, and found himself in a crisis as he
confronted issues of mortality and life goals. Carl’s father
had died of a pulmonary embolism at age 39. Fearing he would follow
in his father’s footsteps, Carl became driven to work harder
and accomplish all his life’s goals in the nine years he felt
confident he had left. He expected Kathy to be strong and as goal-oriented
as he. He prayed that Kathy would change and become the partner
he needed.
 When
Carl came home from work, however, he often found Kathy exhausted
and feeling tired all the time. She slept more than normal, took
little interest in her personal appearance and seemed oblivious
to many details of daily life. Most difficult for Carl, perhaps,
was the fact that Kathy no longer engaged in conversations with
him. She had no opinion on any subject and found it impossible to
make decisions as simple as where to go for dinner at night.
Carl felt his connection to Kathy slipping away under the weight
of her burden and his fears. He put extra hours in at work and
even accepted a position at the GM Tech Center, adding a two-hour
commute to his workday. Though neither of them knew what was afflicting
the other, they both felt their marriage fading. They prayed for
God to show them the way back to each other.
Then, in 1997, Kathy discovered she was pregnant. Delighted,
she and Carl told friends and family their good news, and began
to hope that this was the answer they sought to save their marriage.
For a month and a half, they talked and planned, hoped and prayed.
But seven weeks into the pregnancy, Kathy miscarried.
The weight she had been living under became crushing and, joined
with her grief, forced Kathy into counseling. To her relief,
she discovered that the weight she had felt had a name: depression.
Her counselor suggested some steps she could take to get the depression
under control, and helped her examine the conditions that led to
it. One of those was her relationship with Carl.
When Kathy suggested he join her in counseling, Carl resisted.
Looking back, he smiles ruefully and says, “When you’re
going through marriage problems, all the problems belong to the
other person. I thought I was beyond needing counseling.”
Undeterred, Kathy continued with her therapy sessions, looking inside
her mind and uncovering the layers laid down over the course of
her life. She worked through her grief over losing the baby, and
came to see how she viewed the pregnancy as a way to save her failing
marriage. As she confronted her fears and trusted in God’s
healing power, Kathy felt the weight of her depression beginning
to lift. All this time, Carl could see her transformation. He decided
to join her.
“When you’re in counseling, you have all the issues in
your marriage and everything else from your life,” he explains.
“This might sound sexist, but as a guy, I was always programmed
that you don’t bring weakness to the table. We had a lot of
problems together as a couple, but there’s a fundamental bond
between Kathy and me. I’d never met someone so deeply loving.
To let that go would have been too painful.” Carl looks at
Kathy and says, “I had to make some choices in my life.”
He embarked on his own journey within. He discovered his own wounds
and God’s power to heal them as well.
 They
spent the next six months working with their counselor on communication
skills. They learned more about themselves and each other than they
had ever realized. Through it all, Carl and Kathy worked together,
resolving their disputes and discussing their differences respectfully
and without malice. “A lot of couples have trouble in their
relationships and take it out on each other with harsh words,”
Kathy says. “We never did that, so when we made the decision
to reconnect with each other, we didn’t have scars that we
needed to heal first.”
Looking back, Kathy says, “That first baby was really, really
vital to continuing our relationship. We would never have sought
counseling and done the personal work necessary to save our marriage
if we hadn’t had that loss.” They decided to wait until
they had completed their therapy before trying to get pregnant again.
Almost three years later, Kathy and Carl were delighted again
by the prospect of a new baby growing in Kathy’s womb. This
time, with Kathy able to control her depression and Carl fully engaged
in the relationship, the couple began to hope and pray they would
soon celebrate the birth of their child.
When Kathy was 10 weeks into the pregnancy, however, an ultrasound
showed their child at only seven weeks developmentally. Her doctor
counseled her that the baby wasn’t developing as it should,
and she would probably lose this pregnancy as well. Devastated,
she and Carl went home to await the miscarriage they knew would
come. Within a week, with Carl at her side, Kathy lost the second
baby.
Kathy became pregnant two more times and lost both babies within
the first seven weeks. Still, they continued on after each loss,
faithfully building on their new knowledge of themselves and the
inner strength they felt from God.
Kathy could feel the old familiar weight bearing down again.
As the depression settled in, she wondered whether it would ever
lift, or if she would have to deal with it the rest of her life.
Fear rose up inside her. “Am I going crazy?” she wondered.
“How far am I going to go down this time?”
Yet, even as she battled the depression, Kathy and Carl held onto
their faith and chose to give their dream of raising children one
more try. They consulted another doctor. Within weeks Kathy
and Carl were treated to an ultrasound of their new baby growing
in Kathy’s womb.
 They
were both nervous wrecks. After so many prayers and so many dashed
dreams, Kathy and Carl were afraid to hope. They adopted a wait-and-see
attitude toward this pregnancy. Slowly, they began telling family
and their closest friends. Despite their caution, however, several
of Kathy’s co workers guessed her secret as her pregnancy and
her morning sickness progressed.
The word spread, and Kathy and Carl both found themselves inundated
with prayers and good wishes for the birth of this child. “Our
successfully having a child became a big effort of prayer and hope
for many people,” Kathy smiles. “We had such an outpouring
of support from so many.”
Twenty weeks into the pregnancy, Kathy went in for another ultrasound.
Everything was perfect. For the first time, she and Carl relaxed
and started planning for their baby’s birth. They decorated
the nursery and finished preparations for their long-awaited child.
Kathy finished a project at work and decided not to return after
the baby was born. Carl arranged for four weeks of family leave
from his job. They could feel this extraordinary blessing growing
in Kathy’s womb and they arranged their lives to embrace it.
With one week to go before their due date, Carl received a phone
call from an automotive supplier in Rochester, Mich. A sunroof manufacturing
company was offering him the position of general manager. Kathy
and Carl spent the week discussing the opportunity and all the changes
it could bring. Along with their discussions, they prayed for guidance
in making their choice. By the end of the week, they decided it
was an offer he couldn’t refuse.
The day before Father’s Day, Kathy went into labor. Twenty-six
hours after the first contraction, Lily Marie Cadwallader came into
the world. She was the greatest Father’s Day present her daddy
could ever have imagined, and “the bee’s knees” to
her mama.
As Kathy and Carl look back over their time as parents, they
marvel at the changes that have accompanied Lily’s birth.
Carl accepted the position in Rochester. They found a house they
loved there, sold their DeWitt home two weeks after putting it on
the market and moved just after Lily turned three months old.
 Once
lonely and overwhelmed, Kathy now has so many friends calling with
good wishes, she sometimes has to let the answering machine take
the calls so she has time to take care of Lily’s needs! Carl
sums up the transition this way: “With all the changes we’ve
undertaken the last few months, I keep saying the same prayer over
and over. ‘Lord, help me walk the right path and have the understanding
and vision to let you help me do what I’m supposed to do.’
The stronger my faith is, the less I have to worry about that.”
Carl pauses, then continues, “Yep. I prayed about this. Kathy
and I talked about it. This is where I’m supposed to be.”
Kathy nods in agreement. “During the miscarriages, I spent
a lot of time trying to think about what good could come of this.
For the first miscarriage, there was so much good that resulted.
And with each loss we found out more about ourselves and gained
more support from other people,” she smiles. “It’s
really easy to take things for granted, but when you go through
a process like this, you realize everybody is a miracle.”
The Nazis took over Connie’s
home
How did this Italian girl survive WWII?
By Bob Horning | Photography by Christine Jones
 During
the German occupation of Italy in World War II, Monte Cassino was
a stronghold for the Nazi forces, preventing the Allies from pushing
toward Rome. Six miles north is St. Elia, where Connie Samuels
(then Connie Leo) grew up on the edge of the battlefields.
She clearly remembers the day when her brother, Tony, was leading
the sheep home, unaware that the German army had moved in and taken
over their big, new house as their area headquarters. When they
saw Tony, 15 years old at the time, they shoved him aside and took
the sheep. “He was heart-broken,” Connie says.
That was the beginning of two years of misery for Connie, her family
and the surrounding populace. What made it worse was that her
father had been in America most of the time since 1921, and her
oldest brother, Mike, had been there since 1938. Mike was working
at the River Rouge Ford plant and sending money back to support
the family, allowing them to build their dream home. The plan was
for Connie’s father to come back and join the family. But now
with the war, and the dream house in enemy hands, everything had
changed.
When German soldiers began seizing men and boys to build roads and
do other labor, and began taking advantage of the women and girls,
the townspeople “headed for the hills.” For Connie’s
family, the “hills” were three miles away – to the
old house in which her grandparents once lived, and which was now
used for shelter and storage.
They soon learned that the structure was a target for American bombs,
as was anything in the Monte Cassino area that might be a hiding
place for the German army. “The bombs were too close
for comfort,” Connie recalls. “We were scared all the
time. Mom would get the rosary and say, ‘Let’s pray.’
There were also cannon shots from one mountain to the other, with
constant explosions and red flames. It seemed like the whole world
was on fire.”
For greater protection, they dug a huge hole in the mountainside,
which became their home for two months, and from which they ventured
only at night, or when on desperate searches for food.
“We were always hungry,” Connie says. One time, her
mother went down to their home when the soldiers were gone on maneuvers,
to try to reclaim some of the food that her family had hidden. But
the German army had found it all, even the seeds. While she was
away, the bombing became heavy, so Connie and a cousin went looking
for her. They came upon the dead bodies of two distant relatives,
trapped between two walls that had collapsed in the bombing. Afraid
of being killed themselves, they ran most of the way home, where
they found their mother safe.
“Another time, we heard that a German horse had fallen down
a ravine and died,” shares Connie. “Though it was three
days later when we found it, and it had begun to spoil, we cut it
up and ate it anyway. It was a feast for us because we hadn’t
eaten meat in so long.”
 The
Americans soon spread the word that the people should come down
out of the hills for their own safety. They were all loaded
into army trucks and taken to Calabria. From there, some people
were sent to Sicily where it was safer and less congested. A number
of families were separated during that time. Connie’s family
remained in Italy, in the little seacoast town of Locri.
There they remained, sleeping with 50 people in one large room.
Again, there was no food, except for a quarter pound of heavy
bread that the U.S. Army gave them each day, and the food they were
given in return for working in the fields. They had to beg in the
town during mealtimes. “Sometimes, we were given beans or olive
oil,” Connie says.
When the fighting finally ended in the area with the taking
of Monte Cassino, the Leo family returned to their home. They found
it only slightly damaged, but with no furniture. All of their close
relatives, with whom they had lost touch during the fighting, were
safe, but poverty and destruction were everywhere.
Connie’s father saw no future for his family in Italy, so
he arranged to have them come to America. It was Feb. 5, 1947,
when they sailed into New York harbor. They were met by Mr. Leo
and then went on to Detroit. Connie’s brother, Mike, saw that
his family was dressed for southern Italy weather and not for winter
in Michigan, so he spent all of his money the next day, taking them
shopping for clothes.
Connie, who was now 15 and knew no English, attended school for
a couple of years before she went to work at the Hudson’s department
store on Woodward Avenue. After that, she worked at Grand Machining,
an auto parts maker. There, she met her future husband, a supervisor
named Tom Samuels. They married in 1958.
“Though my husband was Jewish (he died in 1983), he didn’t
object to raising our two children in the Catholic Church,”
Connie says. “He rarely went to the synagogue other than on
holy days, but he would occasionally go to Mass with us. He always
said, ‘Don’t do any wrong.’ He would give money to
some of the poorer workers at the factory for their bus fare home,
and I remember him sitting for long periods of time with my mother
when she was an invalid.
“I think God had me marry a Jewish man so I could see that
there are good people in all religions. Tom’s family received
me as one of theirs. They were wonderful to me (and still are),
and because Tom was so loving, my family accepted him as a son.”
Connie worked at the Dearborn Public Schools for 19 years. During
that time, in 1986, she moved to Ann Arbor, where she joined St.
Thomas the Apostle Parish and worked a second job for seven years,
cleaning the church rectory. She now works two to three hours per
day as a lunch helper at the elementary school near her home.
 “Life
has been hard,” she admits. “But I have been fortunate
to be in a loving family that cares for one another. I still
have 200 relatives around Detroit, whom I see often and talk to
on the phone regularly. I pray the rosary for them every day.”
Connie also has four grandchildren nearby.
After all that she went through during the war, and having to leave
Italy, Connie had to deal with some anger. “We were all mad
at the Germans and at (Italian dictator) Mussolini during and after
the war,” she says. But I have forgiven them.”
Connie says that knowing God has a plan for everything makes
it easier to forgive. “We keep our faith going, let Him
guide us, and He has the solution. Young people tell me that the
Church is too strict. But later in life, you see that it is the
only thing you have to help you face difficult situations.”
what I learned in college
Jason learned a lot more about himself
and his faith at a student parish
By Jan Rynearson | Photography by Christine Jones
 While
growing up, Jason’s family attended the Pentecostal Church
of God. His grandfather was a Pentecostal
preacher and his mother taught Sunday School in the church. He has
one sibling, a 24-year-old sister who lives in Ypsilanti.
During high school, some of Jason’s Catholic
friends took him to church, and he found the Mass to be a beautiful
experience. “For some time, I
wondered about the mystery of Catholicism,” Jason shares. “It
was shortly before I joined the Navy in May of 2002 that I resolved
to become Catholic.
“During my stay at boot camp at Great Lakes, Ill.,
I found I truly needed the aid of God and His holy Church to get
me through the day,” he continues. “I
am convinced to this very day that it was God Himself who called
me to the Church and still calls me to deeper service for Him and
the dedicated service of His people on earth.”
Jason’s time in the Navy was brief. He had a preexisting
condition in his shoulder that was a constant problem. When he had
completed boot camp and was about to receive a ship assignment,
the Navy decided he wasn’t medically fit and he was discharged.
“You can understand that I was upset, but again I saw the hand
of God in the matter and decided I would trust Him in my life and
take what came gratefully,” Jason explains.
After this stint, he took a job as a resident adviser at Eastern
Michigan University. This is when Jason decided to take the next
step and joined the Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults (RCIA)
at Holy Trinity Student Parish.
“This was my first exposure to the ‘real Church’
as it related to functioning outside of the mystery of Mass, which
I had made an effort to attend daily and every Sunday,” Jason
says.
He found being a candidate in the RCIA program to be a totally joyous
experience. He says that it was the guidance of Holy Trinity’s
pastor, Fr. Francis Mossholder, that inspired him to constantly
try to remain in God’s presence. “Fr. Francis is an advocate,”
says Jason. “His total system of prayer and the Masses he celebrated
aided me in times of personal doubt. I had never been so run ragged
by others before I decided to become Catholic.”
Few of Jason’s relatives were in favor of the idea of him entering
the Catholic Church. In fact, some were downright hostile. It
became an exercise of his will to continue the process, and God
was always there for him
 When
not at Holy Trinity Student Parish or attending classes, Jason works
as a watch and jewelry repairman. Already mechanically inclined,
he learned the trade through on-the-job training. “I’m
sort of an apprentice,” he explains. “I enjoy the watch
and clock work better than jewelry repair.”
Besides collecting clockwork toys and music boxes, his other interests
include cycling and playing board games. “I’m a board
game fanatic,” says Jason. “I like all types, but my favorite
is Risk.”
Jason’s service in the body of Christ is reflected in his
Alternative Spring Break (ASB) work. His first trip was to Hammond,
La., in 2002. There, he and others spent a week planting bald cyprus
trees in the swampland. In total, they planted more than 2,500 trees,
half of which were expected to survive. “It was a wonderful
experience,” Jason says. “I rather enjoyed working with
the environment, but when the time for ASB came again, I decided
to aim for a more human goal.”
The next trip was to Boston, working on the meals program at
a wellness center dedicated to serving those who were suffering
from HIV or AIDS. At the center, volunteers were dedicated to the
mission of comforting those who were afflicted physically, mentally
or spiritually. The people they served, Jason explains, varied in
health, race, creed and economic status.
 “It
was truly an eye-opening experience to see them make each day count
as they moved closer to death,” he says. “It was a very
moving experience which has profoundly affected the way I think
about people. I have a much more profound appreciation of the mystery
of life and Church, over which we have been given stewardship,”
Jason says.
With great plans for a continued life of service, Jason recently
attended the week-long International Conference of Catholic Stewardship.
Additionally, he hopes to serve as a site leader for an Alternative
Spring Break program. “I’m really hoping for Habitat for
Humanity,” he says. “I have a great desire to work with
the underprivileged.”
Feeling he may be called to a life of selfless service as a priest,
Jason has inquired about the priesthood. “I love being
Catholic,” Jason concludes. “I’ve actually encountered
God. I meet Him in these wonderful prayers and amazing traditions.”
Parishes serving university students
The Diocese of Lansing is unique in that three major universities
are here. The diocese has three parishes dedicated to serving
the students and faculty of these great centers of learning.
Student Parishes in the Diocese of Lansing:
- Holy Trinity Student Parish, Eastern Michigan University
- St. John Student Parish, Michigan State University
- St. Mary Student Parish, University of Michigan
What makes a student parish unique?
- Student Mentoring is offered by parishioners who
are willing to give time, energy and resources to help the students
have a positive experience academically and socially.
- Student Formation includes seminars and talks on
the Catholic faith.
- Student Retreats are offered.
- Mission Trips and Social Ministry provide opportunities
to help the poor locally or by taking a mission trip.
meatless meals
To honor His sacrifice,
we make one of our own every Friday during Lent
By Patricia Majher | Photography by Philip Shippert
From the dawn of Christianity,
Friday has been set aside as a day of abstinence to honor the memory
of Christ suffering and dying on that day of the week.
But when did that day become associated with abstinence from meat?
According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, Clement of Alexandria
and Tertullian made explicit mention of this practice in their writings
– and they both died in the third century. Pope Nicholas
I, who served from 858-867, formally declared that abstinence from
meat be required on Fridays. And there is every reason to assume
that Innocent III – pope from 1198-1216 – had the existence
of this law in mind when he said that the obligation would be suppressed
whenever Christmas Day should fall on a Friday.
This year-round obligation continued for seven more centuries until
– in the midst of the sweeping changes following the Second
Vatican Council – American bishops released their flocks from
this practice, except on Fridays during Lent and on Ash Wednesday.
Ash Wednesday and Good Friday are also obligatory days of fasting,
which for adults, involves the consumption of one full meal and
two smaller ones.
That means during the Lenten season, you’ll be challenged
to come up with meatless meals for eight different days. Listed
below are suggestions for four of those meals – a healthy twist
on traditional fried fish, East Coast crab cakes, a fancy grilled
trout and skewered shrimp.
 Oven-Fried
Fish Fillets
Serves 4
1 lb. sole, cod or lake perch
4 Tblsp unsalted butter
2/3 cup crushed Ritz crackers
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 Tsp dried basil
1/2 Tsp dried oregano
1/4 Tsp garlic powder
Pre-heat oven to 350º. Melt butter in a 9” x
13” pan in the oven. While it melts, combine the other ingredients,
except the fish, in a pie pan. Dip the fish in the melted butter,
then dip into the crushed cracker mixture and return to the baking
pan. Bake the fillets for 20 to 25 minutes or until the fish flakes
with a fork.
 Maryland
Crab Cakes
Serves 4
1 lb. crabmeat
1/2 cup dry bread crumbs
1 egg, beaten
1 Tblsp mayonnaise
1 Tsp Dijon mustard
1 Tsp Worcestershire sauce
1 Tblsp Old Bay® Seasoning
2 Tblsp butter
In a medium-sized bowl, combine the bread crumbs and
the crabmeat. In a separate bowl, stir the beaten egg, mayonnaise,
Dijon mustard, Worcestershire sauce and Old Bay Seasoning. Lightly
mix these ingredients into the crabmeat mixture, being careful not
to overwork the crab. Form into 8 round, flat cakes.
Heat butter in a skillet over medium heat. Fry the cakes on each
side in the skillet, until crusty and golden brown. Serve warm.
 Fancy
Grilled Trout
Serves 4
1/4 cup lemon juice
2 Tblsp melted margarine
2 Tblsp vegetable oil
2 Tblsp chopped parsley
2 Tblsp sesame seeds
1 Tblsp Tabasco sauce
1/2 Tsp ground ginger
1/2 Tsp salt
4 brook trout, about 1 lb. each
In a shallow dish, combine lemon juice, margarine,
oil, parsley, sesame seeds, Tabasco sauce, ginger and salt. Mix
well. Pierce skin of fish in several places with the tines of a
fork. Roll fish in juice mixture to coat inside and out. Cover.
Refrigerate 30 minutes to 1 hour, turning occasionally. Remove fish
from marinade. Reserve marinade. Place fish in hand-held hinged
grill. Brush fish with marinade. Cook about 4 inches from hot coals
for 5 minutes. Turn. Brush with marinade again, and cook 5 minutes
longer. Fish is done when it flakes easily with a fork.
 Shrimp
en Brochette
Serves 2
1/2 lb. medium shrimp, cleaned and deveined
12 small mushrooms
4 Tblsp lemon juice
2 garlic cloves, minced
2 Tsp olive or vegetable oil
2 Tsp grated ginger
2 dashes of Tabasco sauce
Combine all ingredients in a large bowl. Set aide
to marinate 10 to 15 minutes. Heat broiler. Thread 3 shrimp and
3 mushrooms alternately on each of 4 skewers. Reserve marinade.
Broil skewers for 3 minutes. Turn, baste with reserved marinade,
and broil 2 to 3 minutes longer until shrimp are pink and opaque.
Just a reminder…
In 1966, when American bishops lifted the obligation of meatless
Fridays outside of Lent, they also said that “Friday should
be in each week something of what Lent is in the entire year.
For this reason, we urge all to prepare for that weekly Easter that
comes with each Sunday by freely making of every Friday a day of
self-denial and mortification in prayerful remembrance of the passion
of Jesus Christ.”
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