October 2002
We have a limited number of back issues available in print. To request back issues, e-mail jjob@dioceseoflansing.org or call 517-342-2595. You will be charged the regular cover price of $2.50 per issue.

	COVER STORY Imagine being married for more than 60 years, raising 10 kids - an impressive accomplishment in anybody's book. Now imagine doing all that while being blind. Find out how the Mahoneys did it. Blind Love By Carolyn Smith
	Feature Opposites at first, Joan and Vern's marriage blossomed into a common mission to help the poor. Opposites at First, Now a Common Mission By Ronald Landfair
	Feature I married my ex: the Kruegers learned the value of love and tried marriage for a second time. I Married My Ex By Duane Ramsey
	Culture If it takes two to marry why not include the guys in a wedding shower? Three great ideas plus recipes. Couples Wedding Showers By Patricia Majher
	Web Exclusive Do you believe you could never fall in love with another person? That question was posed to a young man during a marriage prep meeting after he challenged the relevance of having to go to a priest for instruction. The Nature of Fidelity By Douglas Culp
	Web Exclusive How can you keep your marriage strong in today's results-oriented, pro-divorce culture, especially once you become a parent? Every marriage needs ongoing enrichment by Lisa M. Petsche

By Carolyn Smith | Photos by James Luning

Meet Bob and Jennie Mahoney of East Lansing. He is 80 and she is 82. They are members of St. Martha Catholic Church, Okemos, where they attend Mass almost daily. They love each other madly. Married for 60 years, they have had to work very, very hard to raise 10 children. Why so hard? When they tied the knot back in 1941, Bob and Jennie were totally blind. It may be difficult to imagine bringing 10 kids into the world and raising them to responsible adulthood. But to do so in the dark shadows of blindness would seem almost miraculous. This special couple did just that. And it wasn't easy.

Bob lost his sight in his early teens and Jennie lost most of hers by the age of 3. He grew up in Duluth, Minn.; she came from a farm in Bannister, near Lansing. They met at the Michigan School for the Blind in Lansing, when Bob was just 17 and Jennie was 19.

Jennie Kubinger was the valedictorian of her class where she became a demonstrator at reading Braille. She went on to Adrian College, studying home economics. The daughter of a hard working farmer, blacksmith and salesman of farm implements, Jennie didn't have enough money for her education. So, she earned it by washing dishes at the college.

After a year of courtship, Bob and Jennie married, despite warnings from people who said they shouldn't. Two of them were Jennie's parents. But according to Bob's book Living Out of Sight (1995), he had his own motivation: "I loved to hear her voice, touch her hand, feel her cheek on mine when we danced. When I was with her, she was an oasis in a desert of darkness."

With rent payments and a baby on the way, Bob took "that stereotyped job of the blind man," selling mops, brooms, and brushes door to door. He worked for another blind man at a company called Blind Product Sales, in Detroit, where he would remain for 12 years. He enrolled in leader dog classes in Rochester. After a month of training, Bob and his German Shepherd, Patsy, went on their Detroit sales route, taking two or three buses a day.

Jennie gave birth to Gary, the couple's first, and was delighted that her mother-in-law was there to help out for two weeks after bringing the baby home. The following year, Jennie had their first daughter, Roberta. Their family increased rapidly with the births of Rosemary, Dennis, and Colleen in three successive years.

Bob talks candidly about the hardships of raising their kids: "When our children were babies, they would literally have bells on their toes. Jennie would tie little bells to their shoes so that when they were crawling around, we wouldn't step on them and we would also know where they were at all times. Sometimes, our house just rang!"

Bob also mentions that they had to teach the kids to close all doors and cupboards and to pick up their toys. "Many's the time Jennie or I were severely bruised because of the inadvertence of one of the children." Because blindness is never inherited, their kids were all born sighted.

Providing for his family was on Bob's mind constantly. He was selling door to door during the day and mixing and bottling bleach in his basement at night. He wanted his day customers to buy Leader Bleach by the case, complete with a picture of Bob and Patsy on each label. He signed up some 1,200 customers.

The tricky part was siphoning the bleach from 30-gallon crocks. It splashed everywhere and the smell of bleach filled the entire house. Sales continued to climb, but Bob sold the bottling part of the business to a bottling company. By the time he paid the bottler, the delivery driver and the supplier, he wasn't clearing much money. So he sold the business.

Bob's sales route got longer and his sample case got heavier. Eventually, he became more and more exhausted. His family doctor at Henry Ford Hospital said he had to quit his sales job. Two of his heart valves were too damaged to continue the door-to-door work. As Bob recalls, "I was in a desperate state of mind. I was 30 years old with five children, an ailing heart, and my wife and I were both blind. What was I going to do? After all, I'd spent 10 years at door-to-door sales, trying to come up with a better career alternative. How was I going to come up with something overnight?"

In a little while, Bob and his sister, Vivian, collaborated on a new way of doing business. They bought a cross-indexed telephone book and an old-fashioned Dictaphone machine. Each morning, Vivian would dictate to Bob the telephone numbers of 100 of his former customers. He would call each person, reintroducing himself as "the blind guy who used to call on you with my leader dog, Patsy."

Bob would tell customers about special sales or convince them they could use something else. He took the orders down with his Braille machine and gave Vivian the orders at the end of the day. She would come to Bob's house on Saturdays to help make deliveries. Bob was still looking for other ways to make a living. This led to thoughts of politics.

He ran for precinct delegate in Detroit and lost. Two years later, the district chairman urged Bob to run again. This time he ran and won. His 12 years of door-to-door and telephone sales really paid off in grass-roots contacts.

In 1952, Jennie and Bob added son Joseph to the Mahoney clan. In 1954, Bob was elected state representative of the 11th District - East Side Detroit, bordered by Eight Mile Road on the north and the Detroit River on the south. He was the first blind man ever elected to the Michigan House of Representatives.

Life had taught Bob to be prepared. After moving to a Lansing hotel to start his new job, he enrolled in an insurance course at Michigan State University in nearby East Lansing. His notes consisted of tapes made on a heavy reel-to-reel recorder. He didn't study enough and failed the insurance test. A Republican legislator who had his insurance license decided to help Bob. This time, he passed the test. But his legislative duties took precedence over any thoughts of selling insurance.

Meanwhile, a son, Mark, joined the family in 1956. One year later, Bob used his insurance training to start a new business, Michigan Notary Service. This was a mail-order firm that supplied seals and bonds to the state's 100,000 or so notaries. The business is still going strong today.

From 1958 through 1962, Jennie gave birth to three more sons, Michael, Bill, and Robert. Though the older kids helped care for the babies, Jennie was discouraged and running out of energy. Her ninth pregnancy at the age of 40 was tough enough. When Jennie was pregnant with her 10th child, Robert, she sought the advice of a visiting priest. Instead of consolation, the priest gave her a lecture on having too many babies too late in life and not exercising enough restraint. Some of her friends and relatives were not supportive, either. However, in keeping with the Church's teachings, Bob and Jennie did not practice artificial birth control.

Bob felt very bad about being a hundred miles away in Lansing five days a week. He called Jennie every night and just let her talk about her troubles and little triumphs. That helped. On a lighter note, Bob had a standard quip to those who often asked about his large family: "That's what comes from not being able to watch television!"

In Lansing, Bob made a habit of attending daily Mass at St. Mary Cathedral with some of his fellow legislators. With his faith as a guiding force, he would always harbor this belief: "Whether one is illiterate, indigent, sick, old, or mentally ill, one must be allowed to have dignity."

Bob's Detroit district had some 400 Blacks in a population of 80,000. During his 16 years as a state representative, the one issue that got him in deep trouble in his district was fair housing, to which 82 percent were opposed. He was subjected to countless phone calls, threats, and rock throwing through his home's windows. His sons sustained black eyes and bloody noses. Still, Bob managed to get re-elected.

Constituents in his heavily Catholic district did agree with him on two other issues: He supported Parochiad, which called for tax support for parochial schools. He opposed abortion.

As chairman of the House Policy Committee in 1972, Bob learned that busing was another hot issue. Busing was already the law, so Bob refused to take any busing resolutions - pro or con. His district took this as a pro-busing move because he did not openly oppose it. All politicians - even the drain commissioner - ran on a pro- or anti-busing platform. Many were fanatical. But in his heart Bob decided busing would do then what fair housing would do many years down the road.

Bob campaigned hard but he knew this one was going to be tough. His opponent was a police officer with 10 children who won the 1972 election on his anti-busing position.

Bob felt a little down, but not for long. He still had a burning desire to be involved in politics and in 1974 he was tapped to serve out a term on the Wayne County Board of Commissioners. Later, he ran for the post and won. When he ran for a second term, he lost - again to a policeman.

In 1977, Bob became a lobbyist for the state's ophthalmologists and later for the Michigan Hospital Association. The problem of separation from Jennie again was worse than it was when he was a state legislator. So the couple sold the house in Detroit to their oldest son, Gary, and moved to a condominium in East Lansing.

Bob retired from his lobbying duties in 1984. It took him 15 years to write and publish his book, Living Out of Sight, from which were taken many of the details for this story. He plans one day to rewrite some parts of it and have it reprinted.

In 1994, Bob had his two bad heart valves replaced with mechanical ones. No longer out of breath, he can walk a couple of miles a day. The couple now has 24 grandchildren, including three who were adopted. And they have five great grandchildren.

When Faith first contacted the Mahoneys, Jennie answered the phone. Bob was at Mass and would return any minute. As we waited, Jennie offered the names and ages of nine of the 10 children and included their ages that range from 40 to 58. Daughter Rosemary died of cancer in 1991 at the age of 43, said Jennie. Their children all live in Lansing or metro Detroit.

When Bob arrived home, he emphasized that reading the book would be helpful, "but the real meaning of the book is stated in its last five words. And don't you peek!"

Knowing from the book that the family is still very close, FAITH wanted to get a perspective on growing up sighted with blind parents. Acting as a spokesman for his siblings, Joseph Mahoney, the sixth child, was happy to oblige. He is vice president of finance for the Michigan Catholic Conference, in Lansing. He offered these memories:

"When you're around my folks long enough, you get the sense that they're not really blind. One of us would ask, 'Where are my shoes?' Mom would respond, 'They're under the couch.'"

Their mom was and still is a great cook. "There is nothing she can't make. Corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick's Day. Roast beef and mashed potatoes with all the fixings on Sundays. She would bake cakes on our birthdays and saints' days. The kids from the neighborhood often joined us for dinner. She made us all feel special."

"Mom and the kids would board a bus headed for 7 Mile and Gratiot. At the end of the line were a couple of department stores, an A & P food store, and a Cunningham's drug store. We would shop for groceries, maybe a few clothes. Often, we would stop at Cunningham's, head for the fountain, and enjoy a soda, ice cream or pop. Those were fun times."

"We grew up in a real family neighborhood. So we had a lot of friends and would often stay for dinner at their homes. Mom was always vigilant, though. She memorized the phone numbers of every friend we had!"

"We all went to Catholic grade school at St. Raymond's in Detroit. Dad would sometimes go with us so that he could attend daily Mass. Our parents' faith has always been very strong."

"My dad was gone a lot. I have two kids of my own and I don't know how in the heck my mom did it! She always gave us a lot of love. I think Mom was a saint!"

Joe's praise is reminiscent of his dad's final five words in the book: "The real heroine is Jennie."

outreach to people who are blind, deaf and/or disabled

Outreach to people who are sight impaired

Sr. Marlene Taylor, AD, does outreach to people who are sight impaired in the Diocese of Lansing. Here are some examples of her ministry:

• Annual Retreat for the Blind
• Scripture Study on the 2nd and 4th Mondays of the month
• FAITH Magazine on Tape for those who are sight impaired and want to enjoy FAITH Magazine

If you or someone you know is interested in any of these programs or in helping those who are blind find out more about the Catholic faith, contact Sr. Marlene Taylor, AD, at (517) 342-2500.

Deaf and Disabilities Ministry

Joann Davis and Rose Smith have taken charge of the Ministry with Persons with DisAbilities and Catholic Deaf Ministry, respectively, following the retirement of Dr. Richard Strife.

Davis points out that she spells disAbilities with a lowercase d and a capital A to emphasize the abilities of people, not the disabilities. "I see my role at this point in my new position as an advocate for persons with disAbilities in their parish life," she says. "Our office provides resources, in-services, consultations, retreats and suggestions on making facilities accessible to all."

The role of Catholic Deaf Ministry is to:

• Offer more signed and interpreted liturgies
• Encourage parishes to provide assistive listening devices at parish functions
• Coordinate religious education for deaf children/students
• Provide information on interpreters and make interpreter referrals for specific events
• Sponsor an annual retreat for deaf adults
• Consult on concerns related to deaf/hard of hearing individuals

For more information on these ministries, call (517) 342-2500 or visit www.dioceseoflansing.org

By Ronald Landfair | Photography by Christine Jones

He was tall, reserved and athletic - a member of the 1966 Michigan State University Big Ten basketball champions. A quiet, soft-spoken native of Saginaw, he arrived on campus in the mid 60s during the most challenging decade of the past century.

She was an outspoken Floridian transplant. Diminutive and direct, her presence demanded both respect and acknowledgment. She was Stokely Carmichael, Huey Newton and the Black Panther Party. He was Martin Luther King Jr., Medgar Evers and the NAACP.

He was accounting and business management. She was psychology and therapy. He was numbers; she was people. He was and still is the "quiet one"; she was and still is the "clacker." He was, at the time, Church of God in Christ (C.O.G.I.C.); she was Catholic. Even though he was considered a BMOC (Big Man On Campus), she didn't know who he was. Opposites had truly attracted.

The hot plate had gotten quite a workout that evening. The cook, a struggling graduate student had prepared a full course meal for the young man. They had only recently begun dating, a somewhat unusual mutual attraction had surfaced - all the more curious given the fact that they were polar opposites in all respects save one. In their views, they had both come from dysfunctional families. That would be the seed they would use to create their mutual vision of "marriage" and subsequently of "family," one that is Catholic in thought, word and deed. In their words, "We passed each other's respective tests!"

Then, they fell in love and married. Vernon Johnson and Dr. Joan Jackson Johnson have sung their mutual marriage song of respect, love, family and faith together for 32 years.

"We've made our marriage a partnership, where we support each other and our children," Vern says. "That's really the secret of our success."

"It's a team effort," notes Joan. "Whether you are talking about our roles as parents or as marriage partners, it is something that we do together."

They receive awards from agencies, institutions and even the governor's office for their good works individually and as a family. Yet, what they do and why they do it is rooted in their faith experience and in their vision of marriage.

Joan's young faith life was quite different than Vern's. "I grew up around the Baptist experience when I was a child," she explains. "My mother thought that when we became a certain age we should choose our faith ourselves. I was an illegitimate child whose mother was on welfare. We were poor, but we loved each other. My mother was such a gracious soul.

"God was my best friend when I was growing up and while kids were playing Cowboys and Indians, we would play Church and have Mass and singing. As far back as I can remember, I prayed two or three times a day when I walked to school and I really felt that God was with me."

"Faith brought me through some childhood traumas, took me to college and on to grad school," continues Joan. "It (faith) found me a person that I would consider my best friend." You notice that its not very long when you are in their company that the laughter begins.

Vernon converted to Catholicism at the time their first child, Kobe, was born in 1975. Influenced greatly by Fr. Jake Foglio, Fr. Ed Lambert and Fr. Tom McDevitt, Vernon reflected on his decision and decided it would be in the best interests of himself, his spouse and their family to unite together under one faith banner. "Those guys really sparked an interest into Catholicism," he explains. "Just in talking with them, you could see that they were open-minded people, even though I was from another religious tradition. As a result, I became more and more interested in Catholicism.

"The three of them were just a neat group of priests, and they related well to college students. We were still in the 'student mode' in 1975, because I was still in graduate school. That was a really interesting period in my life."

"When I look back over that time period," Joan adds, "I marvel at the ways in which God worked, because I never thought Vern would convert, and I never asked him to do so. But as the Lord works, Vern decided that was what he wanted to do. It was just the biggest blessing of my life when Vern converted to Catholicism. Vern's faith to me, as it happens to converts, can be just overwhelming." When asked to comment on each other's best qualities as a marriage partner, Joan reflects that "it would be Vern's gentle and calming spirit. His faith is not just strong but he is very disciplined."

She laughingly continues, "When I grow up, I'm going to be like Vern. I pray from the bed sometimes, but he gets up every morning around 5 a.m. and reads Scripture and prays. We go to Mass together on Friday mornings and go to perpetual adoration together as well.

"His faith, and his strength as a Black male, considering all that he has gone through are so inspiring. When he was in college, his family was not a support for him. They would not accept collect phone calls from him. He even shoveled manure when he was a student at MSU to earn money."

"When I was in college, you had to wear a suit or a tie and a jacket to dinner on Sunday for the team meal," Vern recalls. "I missed quite a few meals before a friend of mine named Allan Cheeks loaned me a blazer and tie. He never said anything about it to anyone else. He even gave me things to wear when we traveled on the road.

"I always thought that God was guiding me because of all the land mines that occurred in my life. God guided me through those and did not let me get blown up. God guided me to Joan. She had all the qualities that I was looking for."

They both have helped their relatives immensely, financially as well as numerous other ways, but both are quick to acknowledge that it is their privilege and method to repay their debts in some small way that keeps their marriage steady. Joan observed, "Without the Lord, we would not be where we are and who we are. You have to have Christ in your marriage. Every Sunday morning, we start our prayers by serving breakfast at Advent House to about 150 people who are perhaps less fortunate than ourselves."

To this day, Dr. Joan Jackson Johnson and Vernon continue to walk, laugh, love, and live their faith together. They remain close to their children: Kobe, Mark, Nicki, Angela and Candace. Through it all, their faith in God and each other has been the sustaining entity through serious illness, as parents, as individuals, and as marriage partners. "I don't know if I could say that he was my best friend when I married him," Joan says, "but I certainly can say that he is 32 years later, as we celebrate our wedding anniversary. We are opposite in a lot of ways, but it's been a nice balance for our kids. We complement each other. We've had our struggles, our highs and our lows, but I think our kids realize that our religion is very important to us and it's been a central part of our lives, of their lives, and of our family." And certainly, their marriage as well.

2002 Seekers of Justice award winners
help the poor at Advent House

If you are interested in the Catholic Campaign for Human Development, contact Barb Pott at (517) 342-2470

Catholic Campaign for Human Development

"Vern Johnson and Joan Jackson Johnson have been long time volunteers at Advent House Ministries in Lansing working with the homeless and very poor. Together they are being given the 2002 Dr. Albert Wheeler Seeker of Justice award," says Barb Pott, diocesan director of the Catholic Campaign for Human Development and Catholic Relief Services. "The Johnsons are able to recruit volunteers for Advent House Ministries who would not come into contact with the homeless otherwise - such as judges and various leaders in the community. They help raise awareness of the well-to-do by bringing them to volunteer at Advent House where these volunteers come to know the people they serve; some volunteers take time to visit with the clients and get to know them. The clients become familiar with community leaders which results in a diminishment of perceived and real barriers in the community for them."

According to Pott, the Dr. Albert Wheeler Seeker of Justice award is given annually to an individual or an organization that effects extraordinary changes toward a more just society though living the gospel of peace and justice. The criteria for winning the award include:

• The person has a clear commitment to social justice.
• The person has worked for institutional change, especially as it regards enabling and empowering low-income people.
• The person lives in the Diocese of Lansing and his or her work has had an impact in the diocese. He or she does not have to be Catholic.

The award was established in 1991 to mark the international celebration of 100 years of Catholic social teaching. The first award was given to Dr. Albert Wheeler, a founding member of Catholic Campaign for Human Development, and was named in his honor.

Vern and Joan will receive the award, presented by Bishop Carl Mengeling, on Thursday, Nov. 7, at the Annual CCHD Celebration of Justice Dinner at the Lansing Diocesan Center. For further information, contact Barb Pott at (517) 342-2470.

I Married My Ex

By Duane Ramsey | Photos by Christine Jones

Charles and Cheryl Krueger have a unique marital relationship that has weathered many storms, including a separation of six years. It is now stronger than ever and primarily based in their faith and love of God, according to the couple from Brighton.

Both were born and raised Catholic in the Detroit area, Cheryl in Rosedale Park and Charles in northwest Detroit. A mutual friend introduced them in January of 1974 when Cheryl was graduating from nursing school and Charles was becoming an electrician.

Following a relationship of more than three years, Charlie and Cheryl were married Sept. 17, 1977 at the Mercy Center in Farmington Hills by Fr. Tim Babcock of St. Eugene Parish.

Charlie worked as a construction electrician in southeastern Michigan through the Detroit Chapter of the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers. Cheryl worked as a registered nurse in the area. The couple had three children over a period of 10 years - Colleen, Cory and Patrick.

With three children at home, both parents worked to provide for their family. Charlie thought working hard and long hours to provide for his family was a "good thing," he says. Unfortunately, along the way he developed a substance abuse problem with alcohol.

"It was a difficult time for both of us. We knew it was a problem and thought we were doing the right thing to resolve it," Cheryl now says. "It ran the gamut and was a textbook case of the devastating effect it (substance abuse) can have on people."

Charlie was in treatment three times but was unable to completely overcome it. Although they were seeking the proper treatment for it at the time, they tried to rely on themselves and didn't surrender to a "Higher Power."

"I didn't leave him because I didn't love him," says Cheryl, who divorced Charlie in 1996. "The separation was my decision as I finally realized that I couldn't do any more. At the time, my hurting, confused human heart failed to trust in God's almighty ability."

Cheryl continued to work with three children at home. Colleen was an adolescent and the boys were still in pre-school. The couple remained amicable throughout the separation, sharing custody of the children. "Each expected the other to be clairvoyant but we had a lack of communication and missed the boat building a relationship," Cheryl explains.

"I finally realized when I was trying to fix myself that I was trying to fix her, too. You can't fix the other person. It just doesn't work that way," adds Charlie. "Living independently, we eventually became friends during the separation, taking each other out from under the microscope."

"Charlie never gave up hope that we'd get back together," says Cheryl.

"I always wished we could get back together," he admits. "We both worked on ourselves during that time and were both humbled by what the other accomplished.

"I was pointed in the faith direction when I saw what she was doing to survive. She was using her faith to do it."

"What you saw was Jesus Christ carrying me. It was Christ that held me together," Cheryl says.

"It was almost like we were too important to each other, putting each other before God. Our priorities were out of whack," says Charlie.

Cheryl was surprised when Charlie asked her to remarry him in July of 2000. She accepted the ring, but wasn't quite ready to commit to him again. Their relationship continued moving forward for more than a year.

The Kruegers attended counseling together for 10 months and continued working on their relationship through a 12-step recovery program. They also credit a third party, Livingston County Catholic Social Services, for contributing significantly to their success.

Cheryl attended a weekend retreat for the Christ Renews His Parish program in September, 2001. This approach to adult formation in the Church works miracles in people, she believes. "I went into it looking for God's will and it was absolutely a life-changing spiritual experience for me. It was the catalyst that established my total trust in Jesus Christ and allowed me to commit to Charlie again. I realized in my heart that my treasure was at home with my family."

"I had one of those moments of clarity," she continues. "I realized that it was a greater risk not to trust God and not to commit to Charlie than being afraid to marry him again."

Charles and Cheryl remarried after six years of separation. The Catholic Church still considered them husband and wife, since it doesn't recognize civil divorce and neither had remarried. They renewed their marriage vows in the chapel at St. Patrick Church in Brighton Feb. 19, 2002, with Fr. Dan McKean presiding. That date was the wedding anniversary of Cheryl's parents, so it has special meaning to the family.

After having their parents apart for so long, the children had to adjust to having them together again. It hasn't been easy for both sides, according to the couple.

"We're hoping they will see that lifelong commitment and love is worth working on," Cheryl says. "People want to be rooted in spirituality and basic moral values. Unfortunately, it's our generation that lost it, but it's also our generation that appears to be reining it in."
"The message is there's hope even after all hope seems gone," says Charlie. "Even after ruin, you have to start over somewhere. Hopefully, it's with good and right, but you've got to trust God first."

The Kruegers believe that so many couples who are divorced or separated "just don't know how not to be." They need to seek help somewhere from counseling or a priest, but especially from God. Both agree that "it's all worth it when you love and trust God."

couples wedding showers
By Patricia Majher | Photography by Philip Shippert

where did the first bridal shower take place?

The first bridal shower is said to have taken place in the Netherlands. Legend has it that a young woman had her heart set on marrying a poor miller. Her father disapproved and was determined to sabotage the marriage by refusing to hand over his daughter's dowry.

Fortunately, for the bride-to-be, some friends took pity on her and came to the rescue by 'showering' her with gifts.

This tradition of honoring only the bride-to-be lasted until very recently, when forward thinking party planners decided to invite the groom-to-be and his friends, too. After all, it takes two to make the commitment to wed; why not honor both people? And that's how the idea of a couples wedding shower was born.

Let the guys in: ideas for a couples wedding shower

A couples wedding shower can be thrown just about anywhere you like: a favorite restaurant, outdoors (in good weather) at a park, or in the host or hostess' home. You'll need to come up with a menu that appeals to both men and women. Chili, cornbread, and a salad are a safe bet. Many wedding showers revolve around a theme. So we've paired our three recipes with some fun theme ideas:

bon voyage shower

At a 'bon voyage' shower, for instance, guests bring gifts that cover all the essentials for enjoying a honeymoon trip: travel books and maps, disposable cameras, even pieces of luggage.

If the trip's location has been determined, you can also buy restaurant gift certificates.

Colorful Corn Muffins

2 81/2 oz. packages of corn muffin mix
1 cup frozen corn kernels
1/2 cup finely chopped red pepper
1/2 cup finely chopped green pepper

Prepare corn muffin mixes according to package directions. Stir in frozen corn kernels and chopped peppers. Fill greased or papered muffin cups half full with batter. Bake according to package directions. Remove from pan; cool on wire rack. Makes 9 muffins.

garage and garden shower

A 'garage and garden' shower ensures the couple is well-equipped with all the implements they need to enhance the exterior of their home. One garage and garden wedding shower we heard of turned into a work party to help the bride- and groom-to-be landscape their yard!

Beef and Turkey Sausage Chili

1 1/2 lbs. boneless beef
chuck, diced
1/2 lb. turkey sausage
1 red pepper, seeded and chopped
1 onion, chopped
1 garlic clove, crushed
1 6 oz. can of tomato paste
1 12 oz. can of beer
1 Tsp instant beef bouillon granules
1 jalapeno pepper, seeded and minced (optional)
2 Tsp chili powder
1 Tsp ground cumin
1/4 Tsp salt

In a slow cooker, combine all ingredients; cover and cook on low for 7 to 8 hours or until beef is tender. Spoon into individual bowls. Top with a dollop of low-fat yogurt or sour cream and sprinkle with chopped green onions. Makes 5 or 6 servings.

sporty couple shower

For an athletic couple, a sports-themed wedding shower can be fun. Camping equipment, tennis racquets and balls, golf accessories, and fishing gear are just some of the gift ideas that would be appropriate.

Crunchy Cole Slaw

1 cabbage (2 lbs.), cored and shredded
1 large carrot, grated
1 medium green pepper, cored, seeded, and grated
1 rib of celery, grated

Slaw Dressing:

1 1/2 cups mayonnaise
1/2 cup distilled white vinegar
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 Tsp salt

In large bowl, whisk together the mayonnaise and vinegar until smooth. Add the sugar and salt, and whisk again until blended. Then add the shredded vegetables. Mix well, cover, and refrigerate for at least 1 hour before serving. Makes 8 servings. (You can save time with this recipe by buying pre-shredded slaw mix.)

I'm game if you are

What's a wedding shower without a few games to play?

To make it more fun for the men, set aside the bridal bingo cards and instead test the guests' knowledge with a quiz about the bride- and groom-to-be. How did they meet? Where did they go on their first date? Who's the better cook? These are some of the questions you could ask. Or play a board game like Pictionary,® with the men on one side and the women on the other. Or develop a list of words associated with weddings - husband, wife, cummerbund, limousine, deejay, bouquet, etc. - and scramble them. Then give your guests two or three minutes to figure them out. The person with the most correct answers wins!

Thoughts on the Nature of Fidelity in Marriage

"Do you believe that you could never fall in love with another person?" This was the question posed to a young man during the initial marriage preparation meeting after he challenged the relevance of having to go to a priest for instruction. "If this person next to you were to break off the engagement or pass away suddenly, can you honestly tell me you would never marry someone else, especially since you are so relatively young?" "Well no" replied the man sheepishly almost ashamed to make eye contact with his fiancé who was seated beside him. "So then maybe marriage isn't simply about the feeling of falling in love with another person, but about a loving commitment to that person - and commitment is something I do know something about," concluded the priest.

I often tell this story because I think it effectively illustrates a common misperception about the nature of marriage. Most of us know the heady, "falling in love" feeling that ambushes us with an intensity so great that we lose all sense of normalcy for a time. It is this love that first leads us to even consider a life long relationship with another person in marriage. Yet love in this sense is a far cry from the Love we are called to live in Christian marriage and this is what the priest was trying to convey with his question above.

In a society that demands greater and greater stimulation and that has a smaller and smaller attention span, it should come as no surprise that this feeling of falling in love is mistakenly identified as being synonymous with the act of being in Love. Further, this feeling is often preferred to the act by people once a distinction is made and they discover the rather demanding requirements of Christian Love.

However, while it may be euphoric and all consuming, a feeling cannot carry a marriage for very long and identifying the success of a marriage with only transitory feelings is a dangerous and destructive thing. Even though the sensation of falling in love calls us out of ourselves to the point we completely forget ourselves for a time, eventually we do remember ourselves again. It is during this time of remembrance that the risk of infidelity is the highest.

When one speaks of infidelity, many reasons are given to be the cause: lust for another, boredom with one's life and relationships, loneliness, lack of attention from a spouse, need for escape from an unpleasant situation at home, the demands of living a responsible life, or growth in divergent directions within the marriage.

The truth of the matter is that all these reasons ignore the simple reality that one is not unfaithful because of what acts upon him or her from the outside, but that one always has to make the conscious decision to be unfaithful. It is a decision, just as it was a decision to enter into the marriage in the first place.

So what happens? All the reasons above are indicative of a focus that is completely centered on oneself. Infidelity is a self-absorbed act and, as such, can seem natural and easy because the person only has to think of his or her own self, happiness, and pleasure. The impact of one's actions on the lives of others (spouse, children, wellness of the community as a whole) does not factor into the decision. In fact, it can be said that the marriage partner does not exist at all during an act of infidelity.

Nor is infidelity simply cheating on a spouse with another person.

In Genesis, we are taught that at each phase of creation God issues a command to "Let there be…" 1 and it comes to pass. It is, in a sense, the verbal manifestation of God's consent to the existence of that which is created. This act of creation is imitated during the marriage ceremony where the two are required to consent before the community to the creation of the union.

However, Genesis also teaches that this initial consent is not sufficient for the maintenance of creation. "Then God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light. God saw how good the light was." (Gen 1, 3-4) Here we have the consent followed by the affirmation that it is good for the light to exist. This formula is repeated with each step of creation. 2 There is the consent and then the affirmation, which signals that what has been created should continue. It is this affirmation that creation is good that is the foundation of our being.

So at each moment, God holds creation in existence. Without this continuous commitment to affirmation, creation would simply pass away. The story of Noah's Ark, countless other Biblical accounts and the myths of ancient people everywhere all illustrate the destruction that can be wrought when this affirmation is taken away. In the same way, marriage is an invitation into this same loving commitment and powerful participation in the life of God. But the demands that go with such participation are no less applicable.

As a former teacher at Mundelein Seminary in Illinois, Fr. Lawrence Hennessey, once said, marriage is a choice … and one has to choose it everyday! A marriage has to be continuously affirmed! This need for constant attentiveness is modeled by God in maintaining creation and is the very act of Love. Hence, infidelity can be viewed as any act of inattention to the marriage in favor of a more narrow focus limited only to the needs of the individual self, in which the existence of the other is neither recognized nor affirmed.

I believe that St. John Chrysostom was referring to the kind of attentiveness called for by marriage when he wrote about the obedience required in marriage. He argued that, by obedience, Christianity does not mean that one follows orders as if one is in the military. Rather, obedience means that the wife "tries to discern her husband's needs and feelings, and responds in love." When, for example, she sees him weary, she encourages him to rest. Likewise, the husband is to do the same in regards to the wife. When she is sad, he should cherish her and comfort her. 3

In this way, both fulfill the demand of Love and are obedient to its command. One will also notice that it is a proactive response to a need born out of an attentiveness to the other that is only possible through Love. There is no compulsion on the part of husband or wife for the other to serve him or her. In a loving marriage, both husband and wife think of the other always. When this happens, the marriage does not become a battleground for the many power struggles we see taking place today in relationships. On the contrary, when the other is lovingly kept part of the focus, both are able to blossom and transcend their individual limitations.

For this reason, this commitment and attention to the needs of the other requires constant renewal for we are constantly moving and changing. But a good marriage will call one out from himself or herself, while a bad marriage will collapse in on itself under the weight of its collective selfishness. A just marriage, as Chrysostom said, then consists in two people on the journey to heaven together, each lovingly obeying the needs of the other and strengthening each other's weaknesses. The fruits of such a marriage are an attentiveness and concern for the other that denies the demands of the self.

Again, marriage is an invitation into the very life of God. While the falling in love period is a wonderful time, it is simply the entrance to a vast and wonderful palace. To be content with simply staying in the entrance is to ignore the priceless treasures that lie within the palace. Perhaps it is safer to simply play in the entrance because to actually enter the palace requires a commitment on our part and the responsibility of caring for the treasure we find. Further the contents of the palace are unknown territory to us, which carries yet another kind of fear. Yet, such behavior as this is like that of a baby who does not understand the true, spiritual value of things. To want to remain forever as a baby is to fail to take ownership for one's life and one's commitments and to deny one's development and spiritual destiny.

Fidelity in marriage then can be summed up as the continuous act of affirmation we see in Genesis that is necessary to maintain creation; the invitation to participate in the very life of God, who is Love; the priceless treasure that is bought only with great cost to the individual self; and, in short, the precious gift that demands everything and yet gives everything.

Douglas Culp is a graduate theology student at Catholic Theological Union and the Assistant Director of M.B.A. Career Services at The University of Chicago Graduate School of Business in Chicago, IL. He currently resides with his wife, Yvette, in Oak Park, IL.

1 This command to "Let there be..." or some variant of it occurs no less than eight times in Genesis 1, 3-26. In each case it precedes an act of creation by God.

2 See Genesis Chapter 1, verses 10, 12, 18, 21, 25, 31

3 John Chrysostom, On Living Simply: The Golden Voice of John Chrysostom, compiled by Robert Van de Weyer (Liguori, Missouri: Liguori/Triumph, 1996), 72.

Every marriage needs ongoing enrichment
by Lisa M. Petsche

Recently my husband and I celebrated 14 years of marriage. We're not much more than newlyweds, though, compared to my parents, who just marked their 44th wedding anniversary.

In today's fast-paced, me-oriented, throwaway society, it's an increasing challenge to keep a marital relationship alive and healthy for a lifetime.

Unfortunately, many people are under the illusion that if only they choose the right mate, their marriage will effortlessly and continuously be wonderful, involving sustained passion and little or no conflict.

Such fairytale notions of destined lovers and perfect matches, while appealing, are unrealistic. However, in this era of instant gratification, many people don't want to acknowledge that successful marriages require an ongoing investment of time and effort, or that they involve compromise and sacrifice.

In her recent book, Surrendering to Marriage, Iris Krasnow contends that even in a good marriage, partners will not feel happy all the time. She urges couples to recognize and accept that feelings of boredom and resentment are a normal part of any long-term relationship, and that there may even be times when we'd like to pack it in. We should interpret these feelings as a sign that we need to work harder at fostering intimacy, not a sign that it's time to move on.

Adjusting our expectations leads to increased marital satisfaction, Krasnow says. When the going gets tough, our understanding that difficulties are inevitable and can be overcome will sustain us. Moreover, the marital bond becomes strengthened through facing tough times together with determination and faith.

If the relationship develops serious problems, it's important to seek professional help as soon as possible. One means of facilitating healing is an international Catholic ministry called Retrouvaille - meaning "rediscovery" - which focuses on restoring communication in order to rebuild intimacy. It involves a live-in weekend retreat and several follow-up sessions. Information is available from parish priests and at www.retrouvaille.org.

As we emphasize in the marriage preparation program I help facilitate, marriage is a primary relationship that needs to have top priority in both spouses' lives. They must make a conscious, ongoing effort to protect it from potentially destructive outside influences, including well-intentioned but sometimes demanding relatives and friends, career advancement and other individual pursuits, technology (television, the Internet, cell phones and pagers) and the popular culture.

Unfortunately, especially once they are parents, partners' lives can easily become so busy that they no longer spend much time communicating on an intimate level. (Talking about the kids and instrumental things like bills and errands doesn't count.) But their relationship, if it's to flourish, must be nurtured on a regular basis, in spite of other obligations.

My husband and I, for example, have been going on monthly dates ever since our first child was born. Usually we go out for dinner or for an evening walk followed by coffee and dessert.

Even if it's not feasible to regularly get a sitter and go out on formal dates, there are many creative ways to build in quality time. It can be as simple as sitting down together to talk about your day after the kids are in bed, instead of automatically turning on the television or computer.

When my sisters and I were young, my parents would periodically postpone their dinner until after we were in bed. They'd order Chinese food and enjoy a distraction-free meal in the dining room, complete with candlelight and wine. It was a time to really connect and enjoy each other's company.

Attending a Marriage Encounter weekend is another good idea. The program targets couples whose relationship is basically healthy but could use some enrichment. (Click here for marriage enrichment resources.)

Marriage veterans can attest that loving your partner in an ongoing way is a conscious decision involving activity and continual growth.

This long-term commitment to the development of another, and to building a Christian family together, involves moral and spiritual obligation.

Without question it's a challenge, but well worth the effort. Because a good marriage is a source of refuge from the trials and tribulations of life, providing fulfillment and joy while mirroring God's unconditional, everlasting love for us.

Especially in this day and age, it's truly an accomplishment of which to be proud.

- Lisa M. Petsche is a mother of three and clinical social worker who volunteers in marriage ministry. She has published articles in Our Family, Western New York Catholic, The Denver Catholic Register, Catholic Connection and The Catholic Herald. She can be contacted at: lpetsche@idirect.ca