September
2003
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45 things guys want girls to know
and 45 things girls want guys to know
about love, relationships and God.
Interview by Alton Pelowski | Photography by James Luning
 Teens
have a lot to say to each other on deep subjects like love,
relationships and God. What kinds of things, you ask? Following
are 45 of the most common thoughts on these subjects from teens
from the ARK, a parish-run hangout for teens. Amber Smith
and Neil Feldpausch hang out there and were part of a group
of more than 20 faith-filled teens that we talked to. Keep in
mind their thoughts are not necessarily representative of their
peers. Nevertheless, we think you’ll find them interesting.
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45 things guys want
girls to know
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45 things girls want
guys to know
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1 they read
into things too much.
2 they flirt too much.
3 they think guys care only about looks. |
Mistakes girls make with
guys:
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1 flirting
too much.
2 falling to pressure andcompromising their beliefs to
stay in a relationship.
3 thinking they can "change” a guy. |
4 they are not open enough
about their feelings, and don’t say the right things.
5 they can base their first opinion off looks and fail
to respect girls’ bodies.
6 they use them as objects, rather than seeing them as
persons. |
Mistakes guys
make with girls:
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4 putting pressure on them
and taking advantage.
5 judging them based solely on their bodies.
6 downplaying things that are important to the girl. |
7 talk to
me.
8 spend time with me.
9 be interested in who I am. |
If you want to get
to know me better:
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7 spend time
talking to me.
8 pay attention and listen.
9 meet my family. |
10 flirt with other guys.
11 act differently depending on who you are around.
12 be cruel to others or disrespectful to God. |
If you want to get to know me, you better
not:
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10 do drugs, get drunk, etc.
11 swear.
12 be rude to others or disrespectful to God. |
13 is open
to sharing her thinking and speaking her mind; isn’t
afraid of being herself.
14 loves God.
15 shows support and wants to get to know me. |
I am really interested
in someone who:
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13 has a
strong love for God and takes his faith seriously.
14 is kind, respectful and trustworthy.
15 can be himself without having to show off. |
16 deep conversations.
17 sharing faith and growing closer to God.
18 complete trust and honesty. |
This is what I want
in a relationship:
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16 God to be the center.
17 good communication.
18 a mutual friendship – built on love, respect,
trust and faith. |
19 premarital
sex.
20 too much talking or too little.
21 someone who isn’t Catholic. |
What I’m NOT looking
for in a relationship is:
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19 someone
who is dominating,disrespectful, dishonest, abusive or jealous.
20 someone who won’t help me in my faith.
21 someone who consumes all my time. |
22 faith and love of God.
23 honesty, trust and listening ears.
24 a sense of humor. |
This is what I have to offer in a relationship:
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22 love of God and encouragement
to grow in faith.
23 support, respect, listening, understanding.
24 humor, fun, laughter. |
25 find someone
else.
26 be willing to learn about Him.
27 feel free to ask me about Him. |
If you have a problem
with the fact that God is important to me, you can:
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25 not date
me.
26 leave.
27 find someone else. I will pray for you. |
28 I will accept you, but
I won’t change.
29 My faith is very important to me, so
don’t try to change that.
30 I will try to show you the truth. |
If you aren’t Catholic,
and you want to go out,
you should know:
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28 my faith is the most important
thing to me and will not change.
29 we can talk about faith, and I will try to answer
any questions you have.
30 our relationship may not last. |
31 girls
can have children.
32 girls are more passionate and guys
more laid back– it’s a good balance.
33 girls tend to be more caring. |
Best differences between guys and girls:
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31 guys often
keep things simple and are more laid back.
32 their different ways of solving problems.
33 guys are comforting when girls are emotional. |
34 dressing modestly.
35 practicing chastity – talking about it.
36 drawing a line that does not get crossed. |
Girls can help guys practice chastity
by:
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34 dressing appropriately.
35 practicing it ourselves.
36 talking about why chastity is important. |
37 respecting
her, by not starting any- thing or going too far.
38 controlling my emotions.
39 not spending the night at her house. |
Guys help girls practice chastity by:
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37 not pressuring
me.
38 understanding what chastity is and
practicing it himself.
39 respecting me; being understanding. |
40 a girl shows a lack of
respect for
herself by the way she dresses or acts,
41 flirts with every guy,
42 smokes or swears. |
I am disgusted when:
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40 a guy swears,
41 is disrespectful to women, or talks about them as
objects,
42 smokes and drinks. |
43 guys
are not all “pigs” – there’s a lot of nice
guys out there.
44 God is the center of a good relationship.
45 dress modestly and set high standards of love and
respect. |
One thing I think every girl or guy should
know about the other is:
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43 respect
and honesty are key.
44 there’s a special girl out there; treat all girls
as you would treat her.
45 praying and being chaste are essential – not
unmanly. |
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 4
teens who will inspire your faith:
Jamie Ward: a new life from going to a new
place - the ARK
John Glandon: his life after losing his mom
Calen Conlan: depression led me closer to God,
not further from Him
Louis Kraus: this teen was born Catholic -
is he bored with it?
Jamie Ward
found a new life
in a new place: the ARK
 Jamie
Ward never went to church growing up, so she knew little about Christianity.
After a period of the “partying” lifestyle in high school,
she knew that she didn’t want to live that way the rest of
her life. So, she began checking out religion. A friend took her
to an apologetics class at “The ARK,” an outreach of St.
Mary Church in Westphalia. She soon joined RCIA, and entered the
Catholic Church during the 2002 Easter vigil service.
My biggest surprise in life is that I am who I am. I never
thought I could be or would be like I am now. I hope people who
meet me can say that I am a loving, spiritual, humble person. I
try to be humble. Jesus says in Scripture to be childlike, and imitating
a child’s humility is one way to fulfill that passage.
Life is about living your faith to the fullest – giving
your life to Christ and living it as an offering to Him. One thing
I appreciate about being young is that I am able to seek out the
faith more. There is more to life than worldly pleasure. That’s
why St. Thérèse of Lisieux and St. Faustina are so
attractive. They both dedicated their lives to Christ when they
were young. They both had great pain and suffering, but offered
it up and had smiles on their faces. I want to live my life that
way.
Art is my favorite subject – specifically painting and
sculpture. They help me express my emotions – same with poetry
I have written. I like to write in my free time, but I also enjoy
praying, reading about the faith and saints, and being with friends.
People who know me call me James, and sometimes “Tomato,”
because I get embarrassed easily and my face turns red. My dad calls
me “Muffin.”
I’m not sure where God is leading me. All I can do is
trust and pray. I feel called to marriage, but at the same time,
I have been checking out the religious life by going on retreats
at a few convents. I want to make sure I am doing God’s will.
 The
best example for me of true love – besides my parents,
who showed me what love is through their actions and how they raised
my sister and me to treat people with respect – is when the
priest consecrates the host.
I eat jalapeño peppers right out of the jar. I love
any Mexican food, especially enchiladas. The only time I didn’t
like it was one time in Mexico, when I ate a tortilla and cheese
with expensive black mushrooms in it.
I felt alone during my conversion to Catholicism because
I didn’t have anyone to relate to or go to during the weekdays
who would understand. But God helped me through it. I seem to feel
God’s presence most during times of suffering. I want others
to know that He is there when no one else is.
My favorite movie is The Scarlet and the Black. It’s
a true story. In the movie, the priest who is helping Jews to escape
the Nazis had many setbacks, but he didn’t get discouraged.
He got through by faith.
I view God as a compassionate, loving Father. I hope I have
the eyes of my
heavenly Father, because He has the eyes of compassion.
John Glandon:
his life after losing his mom
 John
Glandon graduated from Jackson Lumen Christi High School in June,
2003. His mother died when he was seven years old. He was old enough
to know something bad had happened, so he had to pin the blame on
someone – his mom, his dad, God. It was when he was able to forgive
others, about a year ago, and forgive himself for placing blame, that
he realized he could be a better person. He wanted to make his mother
proud of him, and his life began to turn around. John is now involved
in music and drama, and the youth group at his church.
It’s not as if I knew her real well. I was only in second
grade. I learned a lot about her from relatives. Mainly, I remember
my mother being in a wheelchair all the time, and visiting her in
the hospital. At the funeral, there were a lot of people crying. I
thought I was supposed to cry, too, so I faked it. But not having
a mother left a void in my life that couldn’t be filled. When
Melissa married my dad in 1995, she didn’t try to fill the void;
she just tried to be a friend. That’s what we needed.
I like being a teen because I am old enough to know right from
wrong and make decisions, but I don’t have to have the responsibility
that an adult has. At the same time, I would tell a younger me that
your choices affect your future.
The way my dad cared for my mom before she died typifies true love
to me. I see the same thing in my parents now, and I see it in
the priests at school. It is putting other people before yourself.
Love doesn’t have an existence of its own somewhere inside of
you. It only has existence when it is shown to other people. That,
to me, is what life is all about: the people, and showing love to
other people.
I spend my money mainly on books – biographies or informational
books. Also on inexpensive figurines, like the ones of Don Quixote
and Sancho Panza that my brother brought me from Spain. I would say
my favorite book is Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky. It blew me
away. I like his writing style and how he combines religion and philosophy.
In the story, repentance and forgiveness are important in the outcome.
It illustrates what I have learned about forgiveness: that you can
forgive anyone, and that it’s right to forgive anyone, no matter
how bad the situation; then leave the other person’s response
in God’s hands.
I don’t mind getting up in the morning. I’m usually
cheery then.
I try to remind myself every day what St. Francis de Sales said:
“Be who you are and be it well.”
 I
want my friends to say about me that I have integrity, that they
can trust me, that they can open up to me and that they know that
I will be there if they need me. Those are the qualities I like most
about my dad. He approaches both accomplishments and problems in a
way that my brothers and I can open up to him without fear of punishment.
My dad and I have plenty of discussions.
Children have a boundless imagination that we should imitate.
We sometimes lose that as we get older.
The thing I would like people to know about Jesus is that He lived
the most perfect life a human could – so you should want
to be like Him. If we did, the world would be a better place, and
more people would reach salvation. Although, when I stand before Him,
He will probably say, “I had so much more for you to do, John,
and you didn’t do it.” Really, I hope He can say to me,
“You did well what I gave you to do, and I’m proud of you.”
Calen Conlan:
depression led me closer to,
not further away from God
 Calen
started praying and going to church after having depression due to
family sicknesses and deaths. That, along with reading Bible passages
like Psalm 91 about God’s care and protection, have helped bring
her tranquility and peace of mind. She is 16 and a junior at Father
Gabriel Richard High School in Ann Arbor.
In one way I am glad the depression is happening
because I get to know myself through it. Now I talk to God like
I would talk to my best friend. “Hey, God, this is Calen,”
I say. In fact, I view Him as my best friend. He is the picture
of perfection. He is everything you ever wanted that would make
you happy, times ten million. I am finding that everything, good
or bad, happens for a reason.
Two people I admire are St. Bernadette – because she
was really sick, but she stayed strong, stayed close to God, and
hung in there – and my father, who had a rough childhood and
was poor. He is a fantastic dad who knows me like nobody else does.
I have a relationship with him that I wouldn’t trade.
The best thing my parents did for me was to love me and accept
me for me.
My money goes towards clothes, of course, but I also spend
it on anything to do with music. I used to play violin and piano.
Now I sing at church and am in the drama club. Musicals are my favorite,
especially My Fair Lady and West Side Story. I love the old, corny
ones. Being on stage, entertaining people and making them smile,
gives me an adrenalin rush. Life to me is about doing what you love
to do, sharing God-given gifts with others, and being with people
that you love.
In my free time, I hang out with friends – especially
with the dorks, even though I get flack from my other friends for
it. But they are cool, and the most fun. I’m a dork myself.
I like to listen to music and sing in my free time, too. My friends
have to keep asking me to stop singing. Actually, they tell me to
shut up.
Children are amazing. You give them some paper and soon it
becomes a castle, and they are the queen. I love kids of all ages,
so I think now that I want to be an English teacher. You get to
write a lot in English, which helps me express myself. Biology appeals
to me, too, because it is hands-on, and there is so much to discover,
especially in the field of genetics, though it is hard.
 My
favorite meal is chicken Caesar salad with a side order of pickle
and a slice of watermelon, with a big glass of Sprite.
I do worry that we can’t all get along. Why can’t
we? Come on. Let’s respect our differences. But there’s
hope because a lot of people want to do good and follow God. If
we can convert them and get them going to church, there is hope.
I like the Catholic Church because
it gives us freedom to be our own person as long as our morals and
beliefs are right.
When I pray right before going to bed I feel God’s presence
strongly. He is right there. When I am down and sad, when people
die, life doesn’t seem fair or isn’t going my way, is
when I feel His presence least.
I hope God will say of me, “I’m proud of you. You
hung in there. You did a
good job.”
What I would like people to know about Jesus is His forgiveness,
and that He loves everyone no matter what.
Louis Kraus, Jr.
was born Catholic:
is he bored with it?
 Louis
is 15, a sophomore at Father Gabriel Richard High School in Ann
Arbor, and has been a Catholic all of his life. Now that he has
gone through confirmation class and has taken some theology classes,
he better appreciates Catholicism, and consequently feels able to
live his faith better.
Confirmation is the beginning, not the end. We can keep doing
everything we have always done, but with the additional power to
be a witness. And we can do it where we live. We don’t have
to go to Africa. I can practice my faith right here at school, since
we don’t have to hide it at Gabriel Richard.
Besides lunch, my favorite subjects are Western Civilization,
because we can learn from what others have gone through, and Spanish,
because Mrs. Herrera is a great teacher.
I have often thought that I would like to be a deacon. Then
I could serve God, be a lawyer, marry, be a father and eventually
a grandfather. I admired my grandfather more than anyone. He died
in 1999. I loved him with all my heart. St. Francis is my patron
saint, in honor of my grandfather, whose name was Francis.
Prayer is powerful. I don’t just think
or believe it works – I know it works. I offer problems to
God and they get solved. I like to offer things up.
I enjoy making people laugh. I would be glad if my friends
considered me fun, outgoing, and kind. It’s when talking with
friends after school, when there’s no pressure, that I feel
most myself. I have always been able to rely on my friends. They
don’t abandon me. They give me good, honest advice when I need
it.
Life to me is about serving God. I can’t save the whole
world, but if I and everyone help locally, the world will be a better
place. When I die, I hope God says that I did my best to serve Him.
Though the first thing He will probably say is, “So, you see,
I really do exist.” Or, “You only read my Bible once?”
I can make a mistake; I can be somewhat irresponsible; I
don’t have to know everything. That’s what’s nice
about being a teenager. The part I don’t like is always being
broke. What money I do have I am saving for a car.
 I’m
not like some kids who can’t wait until they are old enough
to move away from home and be free. My parents are understanding.
They don’t control me. They have given me enough freedom to
make me happy.
I am afraid of heights and suffocating to death. And I have
a worry – that our world leaders don’t care about tomorrow.
What will they leave us? National debt and terrorist wars? I do
support President Bush, though. We need to support our president
because he has a tough job and he is always talking about how God
guides him. I like that.
Don’t allow yourself to get in a situation where you can
be tempted. I get disappointed when I say “yes” to
something I should say “no” to. Or when I insult someone
or yell at them. There is no excuse for that.
Nuns have that look about them of true love. I think it might
come from having given up everything.
I feel God’s presence the most when I am by myself with
no distractions, like in the morning after taking a shower and eating
breakfast. Distractions such as watching TV or videos, or listening
to music take me away from God.
The Lord of the Rings is Catholic?
the author was – he was raised by a
priest –
and his faith is central to his work
By Fr. David Hudgins | Photos from CNS
 Although
it is not widely known, J.R.R. Tolkien, author of the The Lord of
the Rings, the books from which the blockbuster movies are based,
was a convert to the faith and a devout Catholic throughout his
life. His parents died while he was still young and he was subsequently
raised by a priest.
He had a deep faith which influenced all aspects of his life.
His spirituality centered on the Eucharist. He once wrote in a letter
to his son, “I hold before you the one thing to love in life,
the Blessed Sacrament.” Describing his Catholic faith Tolkien
wrote, “I fell in love with the Blessed Sacrament from the
beginning – and by the mercy of God never have fallen out again.”
(See: Joseph Pearce, Tolkien: Man and Myth, p.199)
In a 1953 letter to Fr. Robert Murray, a Jesuit priest, Tolkien
wrote, “The Lord of the Rings is of course a fundamentally
religious and Catholic work; unconsciously so at first, but consciously
in the revision. ... For the religious element is absorbed into
the story and symbolism.” (TMM, 100)
The Ring as an
Anti-Sacrament
Obviously one of the central elements in The Lord of the Rings
is the ring itself. The ring is sort of analogous to the effects
of evil and sin. Dr. Thomas Howard points out how it’s a sort
of anti-sacrament or sacramental travesty. Just as grace, God’s
divine life, comes to us through the sacraments in our world, so
slavery and evil come through the anti sacramental ring in Middle
Earth.
The ring corrupts, enslaves, dehumanizes, unravels, and destroys.
Like sin, the more one uses the ring the greater hold it has on
you. To use the ring is to fade, to become invisible. Like evil,
it sucks life away. It makes people unlike themselves. It makes
Bilbo unlike Bilbo. It makes Frodo unlike Frodo. It destroys Boromir.
It transforms the sublime beauty of Galadriel to a hideous terror.
It made the hobbitish creature Smeagol into the beastly Gollum.
The Nature of Evil in
the Lord of the Rings
 One
Christian theme seen in The Lord of the Rings is the nature of evil.
Through The Lord of the Rings we see that evil only signals a void;
it has no being of its own. Evil ruins, bends, corrupts, negates
and demeans that which is good. Evil is like a parasite; it cannot
make anything of its own, but only twists something good that already
exists. Thus orcs are false elves, and trolls are counterfeit ents.
And so we read in The Return of the King, “The shadow that
bred them can only mock, not make.” In the world of myth, all
is visible. The creatures of Middle Earth are like “visible
souls.” And there we see an incarnation of all aspects of evil.
Through The Lord of the Rings we learn that evil cannot appreciate
the good. Lembas bread is “dust and ashes” to Gollum.
Gollum has taste buds unfit for joy. This is similar to how the
joys of paradise would be horrors to those in hell. Ego-centrists
would hate the heavenly city of God. Likewise, evil cannot understand
the good. The lecher cannot understand purity. The self-indulgent
cannot understand self-renunciation. Thus, Sauron cannot conceive
that anyone would destroy the ring of power. This is the fundamental
hope of the quest. Evil is blind to goodness. Sauron cannot fathom
what simple Sam can see. Evil is inane; it gives up the good of
the intellect.
Self-Sacrifice
in the Lord of the Rings
We also see Christ’s teaching that there is “no greater
love than to lay down one’s life for a friend” boldly
told in The Lord of the Rings. Notable examples of self-sacrificing
characters include Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, Gandalf and even Boromir
who died defending Merry and Pippin, shortly after his repentance.
Frodo and Sam sacrifice themselves to save the Shire. Frodo and
Sam give up the Shire in order to save it. Indeed, all the protagonists
embrace suffering as a requirement of “working out their salvation.”
(cf. Phil 2:12)
The Nature of Goodness
in the Lord of the Rings
Finally, we also discover something about the nature of goodness
in The Lord of the Rings. Angels know God’s majesty and
goodness directly, without any mediation. As Catholics, we come
to know God’s goodness through the Liturgy. It addresses our
imaginations. It puts a face on the abstraction of good. God has
made us in totality, with bodies. Thus, it is good for the soul
if the knees are on the floor. It gives a physical manifestation
of our soul’s disposition.
We can come to understand goodness through Aristotle’s Ethics,
but we can appreciate goodness and be attracted to it in another
way by looking at Frodo, Sam, Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas or
Treebeard. For example, Sam displays the good of simple faithfulness
while Gandalf, like God in a way, manifests the dangerous good.
Gandalf reveals the “terrible” good – with majesty,
power and mystery disclosed in his goodness. Gandalf is good, but
not safe.
It takes Tolkien’s use of myth to convey these themes and
illustrate these points. What we have in J.R.R. Tolkien’s
The Lord of the Rings is a Christian myth for our times, which points
to Truth Himself.
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