He says: I just got a bonus – let’s buy a boat! She says: is he kidding? We can’t afford it

Jim just got a big bonus and wants a new boat. Laura thinks they should save for retirement.

He says: I just got a bonus – let’s buy a boat!
Jim says: I just got a big bonus from work and I want to buy the boat I’ve always dreamed of having. It would be great – and Kim and I could take the kids out every weekend in the summer for some family fun. I don’t know why Kim isn’t as excited as I am.

She says: is he kidding? we can’t afford it
Laura says: I’m really proud of James for getting that bonus, but the last thing we need is a boat. We have no money in our retirement account, and this could be a great start to a nest egg. We really can’t afford this kind of luxury.

What do they do?: We could almost label this scenario as a ‘clash of the causes’! On the surface it appears one desires recreation and the other desires security; both desire the fulfillment of a dream.
James’ and Kim’s surface disconnection is not unusual and nor is their lack of “joint” planning for what is important at this particular stage in their marriage. In the early years of marriage, most couples who openly respect each other share their dreams and expectations in sufficient details so that this type of disconnect doesn’t happen. But sometimes ‘life just happens’; children arrive on the scene, work starts to take more time away from sharing-time with our spouse and we tend to drift apart by not sharing our dreams and desires. Then out of the blue, one of us springs on the other a statement like James made: “I want to buy the boat I’ve always dreamed of having.”
We rather doubt that the statement by itself is the issue, or his desire to buy a boat – or her desire to start a nest egg. One of the issues here is the timing! Not that there is a right time, but when couples start to drift apart, real communication falters and then just about any statement made by one spouse would most likely be on opposite ends of the thought process and be a surprise to the other spouse. Most marriages can handle bad news and survive; yet most marriages find it difficult to handle surprises well – even good surprises like an unexpected bonus. For James and Kim, we would recommend an exercise that tends to work well in this type of situation. James and Kim should write down the pros and cons associated with buying the boat, with starting a retirement account, and with James receiving a bonus based on his work skills and commitment to family and his job. They may even wish to try and quantify their pros and cons with a dollar amount written alongside the pros and cons as a way of assigning some value to each. When finished, exchange the lists and read them silently. After reading the lists, ask for clarification and then begin an open dialogue by telling each other what the strengths and weaknesses are with each pro and con on the list. Go through the complete list, starting at the top (not by picking the one pro/con that is most upsetting.)
In the dialogue, James and Kim also should be asking the question, what would God like us to do with this extra money? If Jesus were sitting here at our kitchen table helping us make this decision, what would he recommend? Ultimately, James and Kim may wish to discuss a compromise; such as renting a boat first to ensure boating is something the entire family would like to participate in, or discuss the possibilities of using some of the money to start a retirement account, some of it going to charity and the remainder going for purchasing a boat. Granted, the boat may be smaller than James initially desired, but Tom believes God would be pleased and Kim would be a happier wife, which would be most beneficial to the relationship. Finally, Jo believes James should think twice about his crazy idea, because a boat is just a hole in the water that you throw money into! By the way, did we mention that Tom has a small boat for sale?

– Tom and JoAnne Fogle