how can you tell someone the truth ­
without any hard feelings?

When Grams spotted a needlepoint pattern showing geese flying across the waters at sunset, she knew it was meant for my husband. Failing eyesight and hands that were no longer steady, however, kept the finished product from meeting her expectations. Her presentation of the gift was hesitant, but with much persuasion we convinced Grams that it was beautiful. Was that the truth? As I look at it now, I’m surprised by the number of flaws it has. Our Catechism says, “. . . truth carries with it the joy and splendor of spiritual beauty.” (CCC #2500) Inspired by her love for her grandson, the inner riches of her heart are a part of the design. Looking at her handiwork evokes a memory of her laugh, a quiet joy. Her desire to create a visible expression of her love was an imperfect mirror of the overwhelming love of God for creation.

But sometimes words misrepresent the truth and undermine relationships with others. How do we respond when this occurs?

Determine a suitable way to correct the person. When I first began teaching, a young woman came in during my office hours and pointed out a calculation error. I told her I would correct the mistake and said that I had not intended to “gyp” her out of the points. Her face drained of color and she quietly explained that the phrase was a derogatory one that related to her family ancestry. It meant that gypsies were liars and thieves who could not be expected to trade fairly with others. I was impressed by the way she corrected me in a straightforward but caring way.

Encourage respect for the reputations of others. All of us have a “shadow” side, those parts that, like Peter, deny Christ. A person’s reputation may be threatened when others begin to pass along information about these sins or failings, sometimes real, sometimes embellished as the tale gets passed along. Keeping the Eighth Commandment means we avoid judging people rashly and that we use discretion when talking about others. “He who betrays a secret cannot be trusted; he will never find an intimate friend.” (Sir 27:16) Even when we have not been asked to keep information confidential, it is important to respect an individual’s privacy when there is no valid reason to reveal a person’s faults.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge wrote that, “The heart should have fed upon the truth, as insects on a leaf, till it be tinged with the color, and show its food in every . . . minutest fiber.” Feeding upon the truth is a lifelong process, nurtured within the community of believers, beginning with the sacrament of baptism and maturing throughout the spiritual journey.

Originally Published: November 2004