parents’ guide:
how to discipline fairly ­ teaching isn’t torture

Nobody else got grounded. Why are you so against me?” Parents sometimes wonder if they are being fair when it comes to disciplining children. Did I overreact because I was worn out from Christmas shopping? Or does my child’s behavior call for a strong response on my part? The Latin word disciplina actually means teaching – but according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, instruction is an obsolete meaning of the word discipline! The primary definition is punishment, defined as pain and suffering. But Scripture calls us to return to the obsolete and to accept the role of disciplinarians of our children, in the context of teaching. If we are fair in our discipline, then we will be providing a foundation for healthy relationships. “Blessed are those you discipline, O Lord, the ones you teach from your law; you grant them relief from days of trouble ... ” (Ps 94:12-13)

Focus on the process as well as the product. Teaching appropriate behaviors doesn’t have to be torture. The process of the teaching is as important as the final product. When my daughter, Shannon, was in first grade there were many opportunities for hands-on learning. That meant paper scraps on the floor and messes on the tables. At clean-up time, her teacher would tell the children to become “vacuum cleaners.” They would scurry around picking up all the scraps. The students were being taught the discipline of cleaning up after themselves, but they were enjoying the process!

Ask questions and listen. When a consequence has a logical connection to the misbehavior, then children get a fuller perspective on the situation. To enforce effective discipline parents must understand the context. “Tell me what happened ... ” or “How did you feel when things started getting out of hand?” are questions that help draw out information. Sometimes, in the telling of the story the child will come to the realization of what went wrong. Other times, the story provides insight regarding a child’s motivation.

Recognize which rules are critical to a peaceful household. All rules aren’t equal. Grabbing a couple of Christmas cookies right before guests arrive for a holiday dinner is a less serious infraction than grabbing a sibling for sinister purposes. Humor sometimes helps remind a child of a rule. “If you don’t finish those cookies, then you don’t get any dinner tonight.” But when another person has been hurt, physically or emotionally, then parental intervention is necessary.

It is unlikely that your children will understand that “this is for your own good.” Hebrews 12:11 notes that, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Just as a tree must mature before giving its fruit, our children must mature before appreciating the effort that goes into loving discipline.

Originally Published: December 2003